Keywords: family, philosophy, relationships

1. Enter an argument with good faith. You have reasons. You have concerns. So does your partner. Be clear. You don’t want to hurt the other person or make the other person feel badly in any way. You want to find a better way forward, together.

2. Don’t attack. It is so easy to let frustration, disappointment, and anger shoot out of us in sniping words intended to sting and provoke. We can’t help it. But the reason we can’t, when we can’t, has less to do with the issue and more with those intangible needs listed above.

3. Be honest. By the time an argument happens, resentment and frustration may have been accumulating for days, weeks, months, even years. Don’t let the resentment snowball. Do yourself and your partner a favor and ask for what you need – not because you’ll get it immediately, but because you’re going to start deceiving yourself and your partner if you’re not honest about it.

It’s tempting to fear that sharing your feelings may provoke your partner into a fight. And it happens. But the reason it happens is not because you shared your feelings, it’s because your partner has feelings to share as well.

4. Leave space for the other to move toward you. Any argument happens because people on both sides care. A person who doesn’t care has no reason to fight. And care is inherently dynamic. Care wants to move to where it is needed. The key, then, is to create space for what the other cares about – listen – and let that care evolve in response to where you are.

5. Be willing to move yourself. You can be right, completely right, 100% right, and still need to move, to listen, to honor, and to respond. Be ready to move because you care about something more than the fact that you are right.

When you argue in these ways, something shifts: an argument becomes an opportunity to learn more about how to be a better and happier partner. It is an opportunity to learn about where you and your partner each feel vulnerable. Insecure. Uncertain. Where we are less than we want ourselves to be.

https://kimererlamothe.com/2020/02/04/how-to-argue-with-your-partner